I'm trying, but it's so hard

Life has been difficult for me recently and it is getting harder to pretend I am okay. I am fighting of a depression that seems to keep one hand close to me. The economy has collapsed enough that a first time home buyer does not want to buy my house because it's not in foreclosure. It's listed at a good price but I guess there are better deals out there if you want to profit from the hardships of others. So I have a choice to make. I need to rent it, move back to Los Angeles, or just stop paying and let the house go in to foreclosure (that is not an option in reality)

If I rent it, there are lots of pros and cons. I do live on the other side of the country from my house right now, and that presents it's own set of issues. What do I do if something is broken? What if they don't pay their rent and I have to evict them? What if they trash the house and I have to repair the house all over again?

Okay then, so what about moving back? Well there is lots of fun stuff to do in Los Angeles, and California in general. I could probably get my job back if I asked. Can I afford living there? That I'm not so sure about, and it's an expensive risk. It will take some money to move across the country again. I am not 19 anymore, and I can not fit everything I own in an 85 Pontiac Firebird like i did the first time I moved to California. I would hope if I moved Clay would go with me, but will he be able to find work? I'm not so sure about that, he's a carpenter and the construction industry is always so unpredictable. If I go back to California I am not leaving again anytime soon, which might prove to difficult since my parents are getting older now. My Mom has had some issues since I've been back in NC, and my Dad might explode from pure stress at any point. They have been divorced all my life so it's not like they will look after each other. So that is a consideration when moving 3000 miles away.

In the end it boils down to what is best for me and not anyone else. I did think staying in NC might be a good idea at one point and there are good reasons for that. Housing is cheaper, but if I can't sell the house in CA. I can't afford to buy one in NC, no matter how good of a deal it may be. Being closer to my family is nice, my nephews are actually starting to know who I am now. Sometimes I feel a little to close to my family and I do tend to get their two cents in any of my life decisions. I was thinking that if I had a baby it would be nice to have my family close, maybe even a little free baby-sitting at Grandma's house. I don't think that is going to happen. I don't think I can get pregnant, and I'm almost 35 now so the chances are getting slimmer. That kind of makes me sad. I stopped taking birth control a while ago and so far, nothing. Shoot I have never even had a scare, not even when I was younger. So I do not think I'm destined to be a mom, it's too bad I think I would have been a good mom.

So all of this has been bouncing around in my head. So many different aspects to consider for each option. There will be hard parts of any decision i make, nothing will be guaranteed. Unfortunately I am not psychic, so I can't predict what is going to happen. What ever happens I will face the consequences of my decision. I will move forward, hopefully with my credit intact and a roof over my head. Hopefully I will stop feeling like I'm going to cry all the time.

The worst part of this. I am making my boyfriend suffer with me. He sees me upset and can't fix it, and I think that bothers him. He knows I'm sad, I'm not very good at hiding my emotions from him. I just hope he knows how much he means to me and how happy he makes me.

it probably doesn't help that I stopped smoking about a month ago, which made me slightly insane for a couple weeks. I am doing better now. My sanity has returned for the most part. I still miss smoking, but I know this is much better for me in the long run.

Sheesh, this is a long and rambling post, sorry.